Why The Internet Was Created

This, my friends, is why God made the internet.

Dumb Beginnings

Maybe one day I’ll figure out why certain random thoughts pop into my head. For instance, I’m taking a shower before work last week when, totally out of the blue, I think back to an old documentary I watched one time about The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. For no apparent reason, I remembered Will Smith talking about how embarrassed he was of his acting during the show’s first season and how hard he worked to improve over the course of the show’s run. I also remembered how he was basically the biggest movie star in the world at the time I watched that documentary.

Let’s face it, though: As much as I loved Uncle Phil, Aunt Viv (both of them), Carlton, Hilary, Ashley, and Geoffery, Fresh Prince wasn’t exactly Shakespeare. In fact, it was pretty dumb most of the time. As catchy as its theme song was (“I’ll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel-Air…”), I still cringe a little when I catch an old episode on cable and see Smith bobbing his head around while waiting for someone to answer the front door of the Banks’ mansion. I actually kind of wonder if he does, too.

Thing is, I don’t know if we ever would have gotten Will Smith the movie star without Fresh Prince. I don’t think anyone was really thinking of Smith as an actor when the show began. Without it, though, we probably would never have seen the Will Smith of I Am Legend or The Pursuit of Happyness or even Hitch. I guess you could say, then, that a goofy beginning was actually the springboard into bigger and better things.

I’ve been working through the worthiness of doing things lately. I can’t tell you the number of things I’ve turned down in life because I thought they were silly or not worth my time. Do you know how many southern rock bands I could have joined over the years? Or how many writing contests no one has ever heard of I could have entered? Or how many jobs I never applied for because I felt they were beneath me? Or the number of books I never started because the plot lines suddenly seemed outrageously silly to me?

In all honesty, a lot of those things I just mentioned actually were pretty silly. I just couldn’t picture myself, for instance, standing on stage and playing bass through a set of Lynyrd Skynyrd and Allman Brothers covers. Nothing against those bands; it’s just not my thing. On the flip-side, though, right now I’m not playing bass for anyone, mainly because no one knows who I am from all those years of turning down opportunities. Not to wear out a cliché, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

Thomas Merton, the American Catholic writer and mystic, once said, “Do not depend on the hope of results. You may have to face the fact that your work will be apparently worthless and even achieve no result at all, if not perhaps results opposite to what you expect.” Somehow, I don’t think Merton was envisioning a kid from the streets of Philly moving in with his rich relatives, but many a silly idea has come forth from thinking this way. In some cases, though, the seeds of greatness have been planted in those very ideas.

Don’t worry; I’m not going to become a “yes man” and start agreeing to every crazy thing that comes along. I am going to try to be a little more open to new things, though. Write a few more awful songs. Start the freakin’ book I’ve been talking about on here forever. Take some freelance jobs I’m maybe not so passionate about, just to get the experience under my belt. That all may sound like some sort of weird self-torture ritual, but I’m beginning to think it’s more about progression, even if I feel like it’s all a complete waste of time.

I guess Smith may have sort of bombed out last year with After Earth, but who knows? Maybe we just witnessed the beginning of the second act of his theatrical career. Granted, it doesn’t include a rare cab with a FRESH license plate and dice in the mirror, but it might lead somewhere even swankier than Bel-Air.

The Resolution

I tend to not make New Year’s resolutions, mainly because I can’t ever seem to keep them. In fact, this generally keeps me from making any kind of resolution at any point of the year. If I make a resolution to do something and then don’t do it, I get depressed and feel like a failure. I found this out the hard way a couple of years ago when I made out a list of goals for the year ahead and managed to accomplish exactly zero of them.

Still, I am not without hope heading into 2014, and there are definitely some things I’d like to accomplish this year. I won’t list them all here, but I will say one goal I have to write something on this blog every day this year. So here is today’s short and sweet entry…

I’ve been dealing with a sinus infection since Sunday. I’m tired, my antibiotics make me feel weird, and I don’t really feel like writing anything tonight. Plus, I’ve got a bunch of freelance assignments I’m actually supposed to be working on anyway, so writing here is sort of stealing time away from what I should be doing.

Great start, huh?

Actually, I should be thankful for the sinus infection. Two years ago on New Year’s Eve, I found myself in an emergency room with a case of strep throat (Regular doctor’s offices are not exactly open after 5 that day.), and last year someone ran over and killed our dog on the first night of the new year (one year ago tonight). So, when I think about it that way, a sinus infection is not all that bad a problem to have.

One down, 364 to go…

13 For ’13

I used to be funny. No, really, I did. I used to write all kinds of amusing things, earning me a reputation as … um … that guy … who, uh, wrote … funny things (Okay, so maybe it wasn’t enough of a reputation to earn me a cool nickname…). It was cool. Well, I mean, I wasn’t cool, but it was nice to be able to claim some sort of talent people recognized me for.

As I got older, though, I somehow began to develop the notion that real writers didn’t waste their time on funny things. They wrote depressing literary fiction where con men steal fake limbs from unsuspecting women (“Good Country People,” by Flannery O’Connor. Look it up. Or, better yet, don’t look it up. It’s weird.) or sprawling analytical columns pondering politics and crime and economics or deep ponderings on philosophy or religion. Dave Barry may have won a Pulitzer and had a sitcom based on his life, but odds are you won’t ever hear him mentioned in the same sentence as names like Faulkner or Hemingway or even Grisham or Sparks.

As a result, I’ve found I’ve become sort of heavy-handed over the years. I realized that this week, after I had worked and worked and worked to no avail on a follow-up post to the one I did about Doug Phillips of Vision Forum Ministries. I may finish it yet, but for the moment I’m sort of tired of dealing with it. In my attempt to wring something profound out of myself, I discovered I wasn’t having any fun, and I already have to go through enough experiences every day that aren’t any fun. Maybe it’s time I switched gears.

Since I’m supposed to be doing a better job of being thankful for things anyway, I thought, “Why not try to come up with a list of things that made me happy this year?”. And since 13 For ’13 sounded like a spiffy title to me, I’ve compiled a list of 13 things that made me happy over the course of the past year. This is in no particular order, so let’s jump right in with…

13) The Winery Dogs

Despite my best efforts over the years to cast myself as a musical sophisticate by loading up my music collection with everything from Wilco to Stanley Clarke to Mumford & Sons to Johnny Cash, I always wind up coming back to hard rock and hair metal. When I was in high school, I listened to everything any self-respecting male would be ashamed to have in his possession today – Poison, Warrant, Slaughter, Winger… I even owned a Trixter album at one point, for Pete’s sake. This was also the time of my life I became acquainted with the bass playing of Billy Sheehan in Mr. Big, and I remain a huge fan of his to this day. When I heard he was making an album with former Dream Theatre drummer Mike Portnoy and guitar virtuoso Richie Kotzen, my ears perked up a little. When I heard their first collaboration as the Winery Dogs, I was hooked. Tremendous playing, sky-high singing, and surprisingly good songwriting taking me back to the glory days. My favorite album of the year.

12) Monroe Carrell, Jr., Children’s Hospital at Vanderbilt

As a general rule, I hate hospitals. I hate the way they look, hate the way they smell, hate having to be in them. I’ve driven my wife nuts every time we’ve had a child because I always look for ways to sneak out of them. When we found out our then five-month-old daughter had a Ventricular Septal Defect (a fancy way of saying “hole in the heart”) back in April, though, I knew I was going to be spending much more time in hospitals this year than I wanted to. The Monroe Carrell, Jr., Children’s Hospital at Vanderbilt told us the wrong day to show up for my daughter’s surgery, then proceeded to be the most awesome hospital I’ve ever dealt with. And an extra tip of the hat here to the Nashville Ronald McDonald House, which was a blessing not only to us but to others with children facing hospital stays.

11) The Basketball Jones/The Starters

I can sum up how I became a fan of these guys in two words: Dwight Howard. As he was busy turning the Los Angeles Lakers 2012-2013 season into an unmitigated disaster, ESPN decided to center every one of its basketball discussions on Howard and his poor fit with the team. One day, I just couldn’t take it anymore and decided to go looking for a podcast to fill the void. Enter five goofy guys from Canada just hangin’ out and talkin’ hoops for about an hour every day. A little of the cavalier attitude that made The Basketball Jones so much fun has been lost now that the show has moved over to NBA TV as The Starters, but it’s still the best hoops podcast out there by far.

10) Marvel movies

Okay, so Iron Man 3 kind of sucked, but even a crappy Iron Man movie is still so much more fun than heavy-handed fare like Man of Steel (which I actually liked, even if the climactic battle sequence seemed to drag on for infinity). Thor: The Dark World brought the goods, and the trailer for Captain America: The Winter Soldier looks tremendous. If Marvel Studios can keep churning out Avengers-level fare, I’ll even be willing to overlook their questionable decision to make an Ant Man movie.

9) R. A. Dickey

So what if Dickey narrowly avoided a losing record and saw his ERA balloon to over 4.00 in his first year as a Toronto Blue Jay? His autobiography – Wherever I Wind Up: My Quest for Truth, Authenticity and the Perfect Knuckleball – made its way into my hands this year and rocked my world. Sure, it was published in 2012, but Dickey’s story of personal hardship, moral and professional failure, and, ultimately, redemption is the type that will never grow old. If nothing else, Dickey’s book inspired me to work the words “owning it” into my everyday vocabulary.

8) Magazines, magazines, magazines

How deep did my love affair with magazines go in 2013? Far enough that I’ve fished a few out of the trash can at the post office near where I work. I may not read as many books as I’d like to over the course of a year, but I devour any magazine I can get my hands on. I’m especially a sucker for one-on-one, question-and-answer interviews. If anyone ever decides to publish a magazine of just those, I’ll be first in line to get a subscription. Heck, maybe I should start one myself.

7) Social media

That’s right, I said it: I’m a man, and I enjoy using social media. It’s taken me a long time to be able to admit that. A lot of men I know would consider Facebook or Twitter a waste of time. If you’re a writing-minded, extremely shy person like me, though, what better medium could there be to express thoughts and keep up with friends? Just don’t expect to find me on Pinterest. I might actually have to turn in my man card if I ever wound up there.

6) Glasses

Don’t get me wrong on this one: If I could afford LASIK eye surgery, I would go through with it in a heartbeat. I am not a fan of having to put on a pair of glasses every morning to see where I’m going. As I’m also not a fan, though, of attempting to insert small slivers of plastic into my eyes on a daily basis, glasses have suddenly become a more appealing option. I finally gave up on contacts last year in the midst of the spring allergy season, and I finally made peace with my spectacles this year. Transition lenses and everything. My eyes haven’t felt this good in years.

5) Rise of the Guardians

Technically, this movie came out last year. Also, technically, it lost a whole bunch of money for Dreamworks Animation. My family doesn’t do Santa or the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy, so there wasn’t really a lot drawing me to the film when it was released on home video. As my children had seen, literally, every animated movie ever made except this one at one point this year, though, I decided to give it a shot. While they thought it was pretty good, it blew me away. Stunning action and animation combined with themes anyone could identify with. I’ve talked about it so much even my kids roll their eyes when I bring it up now. The blu ray may be going on my Christmas list anyway.

4) Mental illness

This might seem like an odd thing to be thankful for, but I think it’s already been established that I’m an odd type of guy. Being diagnosed with dysthymia was a blessing in disguise for me. I’ve learned a lot about being thankful, weighing my options, and learning how to own the decisions I make. I’ve been able to share on this blog some of my experiences, and that has opened the door to several discussions I never thought I’d be having. I still have my bad days, but at least now I know why I have those days. I’m just praying I can carry what I’ve learned this year with me through the rest of my life.

3) Smartphones

When my daughter was having her aforementioned surgery, I was still using a regular cell phone. Nothing wrong with that, but it seemed like every five minutes I was either having to call or text someone to give them a status report. Plus, there’s not a whole lot to do in hospital waiting rooms these days, so boredom was also an issue. My decision after that to try out a smartphone has been mostly a good one, although I think sometimes I’m getting a little too attached to it. There are times when I go all Gollum and get the thing out not because I really need it, but mainly because I just want to look at it. I expect to begin referring to it as “My Precious…” any day now.

2) Blogging

One day, I’m going to figure out a direction for this thing. One day, I might even learn to make some money doing it. Until then, I’m just going to keep throwing stuff out here and see who stops by to read it. I’m a writer. I may not be making my living doing it. I may not be doing it every day. But it’s who I am. And I can’t think of any better way at the moment to keep in practice. So, sorry, WordPress, I guess you’re stuck with me for a while.

And, last but not least…

1) God

God and I seem to be on better terms these days than we were for a while. I don’t seem to be angry with Him as much as I used to be. I guess when He spares your daughter from heart failure, your perspective lightens up a little. It goes beyond that, though. I don’t feel like He’s ready to drop the hammer on me whenever I get out of line (which is still, unfortunately, something that happens way more than I’d like it to). I’m seeing Him more and more in the bad times. I’m still a knucklehead, and I still get it wrong more times than I get it right, but I think maybe – just maybe – He was expecting that.

So, there it is. Happy (belated) Thanksgiving, everyone. What made you happy this year?

Random Facts

It seems as if everyone I know is doing this “random facts” thing on Facebook right now. As I understand it, the number of facts you list is determined by “likes” and comments somehow. Since I hate math and I’m too lazy to figure out what my number is supposed to be, combined with the fact I’m having trouble thinking of anything to write about this week, I thought, “Why not just come up with as many random things as I could think of and blog about it?”.

So, without further adieu, here are a bunch of random facts about me, starting with…

1) I share a birthday (April 7) with Jackie Chan.

2) I absolutely hate the shape of my head.

3) I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

4) The older I get, the more I hate winter weather.

5) The smell of tuna fish makes me nauseous.

6) The thought of turning 40 next year really bothers me.

7) Even though I can’t justify spending money on them anymore, I still love comic books.

8) Watching anime makes me slightly motion sick.

9) The limit of how much popcorn I can eat in one sitting has never been discovered.

10) I miss playing in a band.

11) If there is a spider web within 100 feet of me, I will manage to walk into it somehow.

12) The following artists all share space on my iPod: Johnny Cash, Seether, U2, Garth Brooks, Van Halen, Jars of Clay, Warrant, Bon Jovi, Gnarls Barkley, LL Cool J, Charlie Peacock, Toad the Wet Sprocket, Rush, and Metallica. And that’s the short list.

13) I’m not sure of the word count anymore, but I can type really, really fast.

14) I may be the least mechanically-inclined male you will ever meet.

15) I have a strict “Ole Yeller” rule: I refuse to watch any movie where I know the dog will die at the end. Sorry, Marley & Me.

16) I would rather watch a tennis match than a football game.

17) I think Nirvana is the most overrated band of all time.

18) “Eddie” is not really my first name.

19) I played bass one time with Chris Thile.

20) I don’t really have anything else to say, but I think 20 is a nice, round number to end a list with.

So there you go. That was probably way more than anyone wanted to know about me, but at least coming up with the list gave me something to write about. By the way, your number is 150. Have fun…

I Am Batfleck

#Batfleck. Only a Twitter hashtag could somehow turn such an unappealing situation into something that sounds even worse. Say it once or twice. Sounds like you’re trying to cough something up, doesn’t it? Batfleck.

Yep, Ben Affleck is going to be Batman. I thought maybe I was just really sleepy when I read that for the first time. Or I thought this was one of those internet hoaxes that are so popular these days (I think Jackie Chan is still trying to convince people he’s actually alive.). As the days and hours passed, though, the story didn’t change. Ben Affleck had really been cast to play Batman in the upcoming Superman/Batman film.

Ben … Freakin’ … Affleck.

I so want to stop being negative about this. I try to remember how Affleck has been able to turn his career around with sharp directorial efforts such as Gone Baby Gone, The Town, and the Oscar-winning Argo. I try to think about how he seems to be a likable enough fellow, with a nice Hollywood marriage to Jennifer Garner and three cute kids. I try to … um … er…

Aw, screw it: He’s going to suck as Batman.

I’m sorry, I just can’t get around it. When I think of the modern-era (non-shark repellent spray-using) Batman, I think intensity. That word does not come to mind when I think of Ben Affleck. I don’t mean the guy can’t act. I liked him in Argo, but he was sort of a lost soul in that film. In fact, I would probably liken him to a more talented Keanu Reeves – very good at playing laid-back, kind of aimless guys, but not so great at taking charge and saving the day … which is kind of what Batman does.

Plus, this casting doesn’t make much sense. Director Zack Snyder very nearly turned Man of Steel into some kind of art house music video, with a style very different from the Chris Nolan approach of the latest Batman trilogy. Granted, this will be an entirely different Batman in an entirely different movie, but there’s not much distance from The Dark Knight Rises to where we are now. I thought Henry Cavill made a fine Superman, but now he’s only getting one movie to put his stamp on the role. At this point of Affleck’s casting, though, does anyone even remember he’s the new Man of Steel?

Yep, I don’t like this bit of casting at all. Not one bit. Come to think of it, though, there has been a lot of superhero movie casting I haven’t been all that pleased with in recent years. I didn’t think Chris Evans was old enough or authoritative enough to play Captain America. I had no idea who Chris Hemsworth was, so I wasn’t wild about his casting as Thor (Plus, he has a brother, Liam, who looks almost just like him, so I couldn’t figure out who I was supposed to be looking up information about.). I thought Heath Ledger was totally wrong to play the Joker.

And I was wrong about every one of those actors. Evans and Hemsworth worked out just fine, and while I’m still not sure I think of Ledger as the perfect Joker, he did manage to bring a very well-written version of the character to life on the screen. I can at least take comfort in knowing I was not alone in my criticism, as the internet was filled with waves of discontent after each of these roles were cast.

After reading comment upon comment about how Affleck is totally the wrong choice to play the new Dark Knight, though, I began to feel a little guilty. Yeah, I think this particular actor should not have gotten this particular role. I believe he does not have the necessary talent or experience to be able to pull this off. I am of the opinion he will not do a good job, and he should step aside so someone better can be cast. In short, he does not meet my expectations.

How many times, though, have I been on the receiving end of those types of feelings? “He’s too quiet.” “He doesn’t have the right degree or the proper training.” “He won’t ever be what we want.” The only difference is I didn’t have someone broadcasting all those sentiments about me all over the World Wide Web. And if I ever did find out about them, that just made me want to show the people saying all those things that they were dead wrong about me. If they did open the door for me, I wouldn’t refuse to go through it.

Which is why I am Batfleck. And so are you. And you. And you.

Ben Affleck may very well turn out to be the worst Batman ever (Yes, even worse that George “Bat-nipples” Clooney.), but that shouldn’t stop him from wanting to put on the cape and cowl and give it his best shot. To say I’m rooting for him may be a little much. To say I can see why he’s taking his shot … well, let’s say I can #sympathize with that.

2012 Olympic Observations

Every four years, I make some kind of silly statement about not really caring all that much about the Olympics and how I’m not going to watch very much of them when they begin, and then, every four years, I wind up spending several hours glued to my television set watching a myriad of sports I would never, ever devote 10 seconds to just because they’re in the Olympics.

Since this year marked the first Olympics to feature social media prominently (And, hey, I know that’s a fact because Ryan Seacrest kept telling me so every five minutes with that giant “Social Download” board in the NBC Olympic studio.), it was very tempting for me to hop onto Facebook or Twitter every few minutes and make some kind of observation about what was going on. Since I’ve been trying to ween myself from getting online so much after I get home in the evenings (which is much more difficult than I thought it would be), I managed to resist.

Watching that many hours of Olympic coverage, though, provides so much wonderful material to comment on that it has to come out somewhere, so what better place could there be than in the ol’ blog? So, from the inspiring to the embarrassing, here are a few of my thoughts on this year’s Olympics:

Speaking of Seacrest, what the heck was he even doing on the Olympics broadcast in the first place? My wife said she thought it was because he wanted to be the next Dick Clark, but I don’t ever remember seeing “Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Medal Count” featured on any other Olympic broadcasts. The “Social Download” was the kind of scrub job they ought to saddling guys like Jim Gray with. Plus, the segment was totally worthless. I mean, really, did someone have to tell me Michael Phelps was trending on Twitter after winning the 22nd medal in his Olympic career? Hashtag: dork.
And speaking of Phelps, wasn’t it amazing how winning a handful of Olympic medals can make folks forget all about how you were sucking on a marijuana pipe just three years earlier? I know Phelps apologized, and I’m willing to forgive, but I did think it was odd that I didn’t see the pipe mentioned even once during the coverage I watched. That’s kind of like praising Michael Vick for winning the Super Bowl and not mentioning dog fighting.
Even if he did suffer from poor judgment with the pipe, at least Phelps managed to not embarrass himself and his country during the games themselves – which you definitely couldn’t say for his teammate, Ryan Lochte. Seriously, dude, nobody wants to know if you peed in the warm-up pool. Well, Ryan Seacrest might, but other than that…
One event I did comment on using social media was the women’s vault event, which I likened on Facebook to watching a reel of NASCAR crashes – horrible in a way, but impossible to turn away from. Thankfully, no one was actually seriously injured during any of the falls, and we actually got a bonus takeaway with Makayla Maroney’s medal acceptance face. My favorite “Makayla is not impressed” meme so far? Gotta be the Ali-Liston photo. Check out the front row.
I’m all for American pride, but did it seem like we barely got to see any of the other countries compete this year? Even in the team sports, it was almost as if NBC wanted to blot out the names on the other jerseys. Athletes from other countries worked their butts off to get to the Olympics, too. Let us see some of them compete.
The one major exception to that last statement came in track and field, which featured Usain Bolt and his merry band of Jamaican sprinters in what seemed like every other event. This wouldn’t have been so bad if it hadn’t been for having to watch Bolt himself prance around like a peacock and listen to him shoot his mouth off after every race. I used to think smack talking was appropriate if you could back it up. Thanks to Bolt, I have now changed my mind. Bolt did get it right when said, “I am a legend.” Yes, Usain, you are – a legendary jerk.
So this year’s Dream Team was supposed to have been able to contend with the original Dream Team we sent to the Olympics in 1992 because their big men couldn’t keep up with the speedier, smaller athletes of today? After only beating Spain by seven points in the gold medal game yesterday, Coach Mike Krzyzewski said, “Their size hurt us.” He was talking about the Gasol brothers, Marc and Pau. Yeah, I’ll still put my money on Jordan and Co.
My daughters, who are 10 and 7, kept yelling at the television during the women’s beach volleyball matches. They weren’t cheering; they wanted Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh to put some clothes on. Dear Lord, may they never lose their sense of modesty.
I guess this is where I should say something about the closing ceremonies, but I only could bear about 30 seconds of it. I don’t even know what I saw. There was some kind of deejay in a giant octopus thingy, with a bunch of people dancing around in goofy outfits. I know if I was forced to come and watch something like this it would only greatly diminish my Olympic experience. Well, unless I were Ryan Seacrest….

Point/Counterpoint: 38 Random Thoughts

Today, I am 38 years old. As I inch a little closer to big 4-0, I’m beginning to realize that for every bit of wisdom I seem to have picked up along the way, there seems to be something I either don’t know or some pesky fact which seems to negate any knowledge I might have gained – a yin for every yang, so to speak. Thus, I have decided to compile a list of 38 things I have learned in this life, with each item accompanied by an example of how knowledge is often tempered by … well … lack of knowledge (such as how to gracefully finish this sentence).

Riding a bicycle is a great way to stay in shape./Falling off of a bicycle is a great way to ensure you’re unable to do anything to stay in shape for quite a while.
Dogs can bring an infinite amount of joy while they are with us./Dogs can absolutely break your heart when they pass away.
The original “Star Wars” trilogy still makes me want to dream./The newer “Star Wars” trilogy still makes me want to vomit in a bucket somewhere.
“Lost” was a great television series./”Lost” was the most unsatisfying thing ever put on television.
Required materials for bringing up girls include ribbons, bows, dresses, dolls, and teddy bears./Required materials for bringing up boys includes Band-Aids, helmets, mud boots, Spider-Man, and Buzz Lightyear.
Church folk are some of the nicest folks in the world./Church folk can be some of the most aggravating folks in the world.
Facebook is a great way to keep in touch with people you ordinarily would have no contact with whatsoever./Facebook can be a great reminder of why you never have any contact with those people.
I can’t stand seeing other guys’ feet./There’s really no counterpoint here; I just really don’t like the sight of guy feet.
The bones of a 2-5 year old are remarkably resilient./The bones of a 38-year-old … eh, not so much.
I will never outgrow the childhood pleasure of reading a good comic book./There is no way I’m letting my kids read any of today’s comic books until they are well into their 20s.
Snuggies are surprisingly warm and comfortable./”Snuggie” is a really unfortunate name for something a man would use.
I love to drink coffee./I can’t handle drinking caffeine anymore, so I only drink decaf coffee.
Most of the lyrics to most of the music I used to listen to in high school were incredibly juvenile and sound pretty ridiculous to me now./Due to the amazing technical skills of many of the musicians, I am still listening to a lot of the same music I was listening to in high school.
I hate when people send me requests to play games on Facebook./I am now a Level 23 agent on the Facebook game “Marvel: Avengers Alliance.”
I could eat a meal at a fast food restaurant for the price of one cup of coffee at Starbucks./I am about to use up the third of three Starbucks gift cards I received for Christmas last year.
Coming up with a list of points to equal the amount of years old you are is a solid idea for a blog entry./Coming up with a list of points to equal the amount of years old you are is really, really difficult.
Children will push you to the absolute brink of your patience sometimes./Children will pull you back from the brink of completely giving up on everything sometimes.
I enjoy playing video games sometimes./I suck at playing video games virtually all the time.
I spent the first few years of having to wear reading glasses trying to figure out how to never put them on./I have not worn my contact lenses in nearly two weeks.
As a teenager, I used to wish girls would show more cleavage./As an adult, I wish girls would cover up their boobs.
The older I get, the more I appreciate movies like “Doubt” and “Moneyball,” which don’t have big explosions, over-the-top dialog, and mega-budgets./I will be in line somewhere at midnight May 4 waiting to see “The Avengers.”
I am as firm now in my convictions as I ever have been./I still have no idea how to present a proper argument.
Reading the Bible is vitally important for me to make it through the day./It is rare that I read my Bible every single day of any given week.
I love it when my kids are honest with me./I do not love it so much when the tell me my breath stinks, my shirt is ugly, or my hair looks silly.
The love of people is fallible and often fails./The love of God is perfect and strong.
Turning 30 didn’t bother me at all./The thought of turning 40 troubles me greatly.
I am fascinated by ESPN Radio./I find myself daily yelling at the radio in my vehicle as I listen to ESPN Radio.
If I could, I would have some type of music playing wherever I am 24 hours a day, 365 days a year./My job as a music director at a radio station sometimes makes me want to pull my hair out.
I am not a fan of large crowds./If officials there would allow it, I would live in an apartment above Main Street in Walt Disney World.
I am a merely adequate guitar player./I am a pretty decent bass guitar player.
I am always grateful for birthday wishes people post on my Facebook page./I am always surprised by at least some of the people who choose to leave birthday wishes on my Facebook page.
I like watching basketball more than any other sport./I get sick to death of hearing about basketball in Kentucky while college basketball season is going on.
I love to write./My handwriting is like a cross between a doctor’s signature and something a drunken Irishman would scratch into the wood of the bar he was about to pass out on.
I’m sitting here thinking, “I will probably never try and come up with a list this long again.”/I will probably try and come up with 39 random thoughts next year.
I worry that I don’t have anything worthwhile to teach my children./I am amazed every day at what my children teach me.
I keep saying I would like to write a novel, but I can’t find the time to write enough./I’ve been working on this post on and off for two days now, and I passed the 1,000 word mark a few thoughts ago.
When my wife and I got married, she said she didn’t want any children./Ha, ha…
Thirty-eight is not that old./Thirty-eight is actually kind of old.

Whew!

A Different Kind Of Fan

There are some questions in life which will never have a definitive answer, but will continue to inspire passionate feelings in those who debate them until the end of time. Which came first – the chicken or the egg? What is the meaning of life? Tastes great or less filling? And, of course, the most important, burning question of all…

Dave or Sammy?

Today marks the release of “A Different Kind of Truth,” the Van Halen album some have undoubtedly been waiting for since David Lee Roth sang the final notes of “House of Pain” on the band’s landmark “1984” project. Granted, Diamond Dave did come back for a couple of cuts on the group’s “Best of Volume 1” project (Curiously, no “Volume 2” has ever appeared…), but true fans would never be content with two throwaway tunes at the end of a greatest hits disc. They wanted their man back behind the mic, throwing roundhouse kicks and rocking a long-coat decked out with enough sequins to make Michael Jackson jealous.

Well, anyone who saw clips from the group’s pre-release concert at New York’s Cafe Wha? had to be a little disappointed with the attire, as Roth chose to ditch the sparkly pants and don some kind of Mr. Conductor outfit (Plus, the new album cover has a picture of a train on it. Has someone been watching too much “Thomas the Tank Engine” these days?). What he did bring back were the old hits – “Panama,” “You Really Got Me,” and “Jump,” just to name a few. They did debut one song from the new album – “She’s The Woman” – but that was actually an unrecorded, old song which had been reworked for the new record.

At one point in my life, I owned every Van Halen album that had ever been released. In fact, the only ones I never owned were the aforementioned “Best of Volume 1,” “III,” “Live: Right Here Right Now,” and “Best of Both Worlds,” which was actually just another greatest hits package. In the iTunes age, though, I’ve got at least one song from all of those projects in my possession now (Yes, even a song from “III,” which was the album that should’ve had a picture of a train on the cover – a train going over a cliff, that is.). I probably won’t buy the new album, but I’ll more than likely give it a listen on Spotify. I’ve been summarily unimpressed with any of the clips I’ve heard, but who knows? I may even download a track or two.

While many Van Halen fans could never get past 1984 (or ’85 or ’86 or whenever it was Roth left the band), however, I could never forget my junior year of high school. I had a friend who was (and still is) a fantastic piano player. He was also in the high school band, and he somehow wound up with this big, woofy, 15-inch speaker in his room. Of course, he immediately hooked it up to his stereo and proceeded to play anything he could get his hands on through it as loudly as was permissible, depending on the time of day. One day he started pumping “5150” (the song, not the album – although it was on the album, so I don’t guess it matters) through this thing, and I was gone.

That’s right, folks – I am a Van Hagar kind of guy.

I certainly don’t hate the David Lee Roth stuff. In fact, one of the first cassettes I ever remember buying was “1984” (Strangely, that purchase was coupled with Lionel Richie’s “Can’t Slow Down.” Apparently, my eclectic musical tastes were formed at a young age.). While I was a fan of Van Halen during the Roth days, though, I was a fanatic during the Sammy Hagar run, which was an odd thing since, outside of “I Can’t Drive 55,” I was never a big fan of the Red Rocker. Something about the combination of Eddie Van Halen and Sammy Hagar just clicked with me that day at my friend’s house, and I’ve never been able to let go of it.

With Roth’s return and the new album a reality now, I’ve tried to analyze just what it was about those Hagar albums that made me such a fan of the group. I think I can boil it down to one word – seriousness. Van Halen did some great work with Roth, but it never seemed to move beyond party music. Granted, there are some notable exceptions, such as “Mean Street,” but the Roth songs always seemed more about the performance than the song. Dave never sang all that well, and his range was fairly limited. The songs were more extended jams than crafted compositions.

With Hagar, on the other hand, it was like Eddie Van Halen finally found the instrument he needed to shape the rock/pop vision he had always envisioned. There’s no way Roth could pull off songs like “When It’s Love” or “Don’t Tell Me (What Love Can Do).” With Hagar, the band seemed to making music. I think this is probably why a lot of people don’t like the albums they did with Sammy. If you were a fan of “Light Up the Sky,” you probably hated “Can’t Stop Loving You.” Van Halen became more pop-oriented, but they also began making the arrangements a little more complex, the registers a little higher.

I’m definitely not saying Hagar was some kind of genius. I mean, this is the guy who wrote “Amsterdam,” for crying out loud. I always thought the lyric about aliens in “Love Walks In” was a neat metaphor until I heard Hagar say he was literally singing about aliens there. Sammy’s a hippy dude, though. Anyone with their own brand of tequila can’t be taken entirely seriously. His vocal talents, though, and arranging skills were a perfect mesh with the explosive six-string mastery of Eddie Van Halen. I hope they can come together again one day.

So, while Hagar is writing stupid lyrics but still sounding pretty spry with Chickenfoot these days, Dave returns to Van Halen, barking out lyrics to songs that were originally written over 20 years ago. I guess time will tell who’s heading in the right direction. In the meantime, we can all sit back, take a deep breath, and carry this debate on into eternity…

Things I Learned From (Almost) Watching The Super Bowl

Okay, so, I lied.

A couple of weeks ago, I boldly proclaimed I was not going to watch a single second of the Super Bowl this year. Considering a New York Giants-New England Patriots matchup was about as appealing to me as watching Snooki arm wrestle Kim Kardashian (On second thought, that might actually be kind of entertaining…), combined with the fact I could now watch all of the really good commercials on the Internet before the game was even played, I figured staying away from this year’s contest would be a piece of cake.

The evening began with my plan working to perfection, as my children were much more interested in the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet and America’s Funniest Home Videos on ABC than they were in watching some dumb football game. Alas, both the Puppy Bowl and AFV had commercial breaks, and that was when the flesh began to grow weak. “Well,” I thought, “I’ll just flip over and check the score…” Even by doing this, though, I didn’t catch much of the first half.

As the game stretched on, though, and the kids shuffled off to bed for the night, I found myself watching a big chunk of the fourth quarter. Since the ending of the game featured Eli Manning (who I described my dislike of here) marching his team down the field virtually untouched (more on that later), I can’t say I was necessarily entertained by any of it. I did manage to come away with a few random observations, though, which I will now share.

Tom Brady is the new Joe Montana. Thanks to Eli and crew, Brady didn’t get to match Montana’s mark of four Super Bowl wins. Brady’s play sure did remind me Joe Cool, though, as he stood in the pocket for what seemed like hours and absolutely refused to run the football. It seemed to me like the Giants were just daring him to run, and he just wouldn’t take off. I counted at least three instances where Brady could have scrambled for a first down and still gotten out-of-bounds without taking a major hit. Brady’s always had the reputation of not wanting to take a hit (a perception which was only made worse by the NFL’s establishment of the “Brady Rule”), and he certainly didn’t do anything to disprove that view of him last night. Kind of made me long for a Tim Tebow appearance, to be honest.
It’s hard to turn down a free touchdown. I know Ahmad Bradshaw was trying to down the ball before that last touchdown, but who can turn down six points when absolutely no one has laid a finger on you on your way to the end zone? The fact that Bradshaw even had time to think about that play ought to indicate how terrible New England’s defense was. And while I know that conventional football wisdom called for kicking a field goal in that situation, the touchdown still only left the Patriots about a minute to score. Even Tom Terrific can’t work a miracle every time.
I want some of Madonna’s wrinkle cream. I only watched about five seconds of the halftime show last night. I saw Cee Lo Green, Madonna, and a marching band, and that was about it. I remarked shortly after the half on Facebook that it looked like Madonna’s face had been Photoshopped. That was either some great makeup or they were using that de-aging technology they used on Jeff Bridges in the last “Tron” movie.
Who the heck is MIA? As of this morning, I still have no idea, but I do know she flipped the bird to a television camera during the halftime show last night. At least Janet Jackson’s “wardrobe malfunction” could, in some wink-wink, nudge-nudge kind of way, be called an “accident.” I don’t recall every “accidentally” flipping somebody off. Maybe this was a “finger malfunction.” I mean, who hasn’t had one of those at some point or another?
The Avengers movie looks freakin’ awesome. Okay, this is actually cheating a little bit. I didn’t actually see the latest commercial for the upcoming Avengers movie during the game (I didn’t see MIA flip the bird, either. Man, I can’t be trusted at all anymore, can I?). I did watch it on-line during the game, however, so I’m going to go ahead and count this as a Super Bowl observation. Laugh at me if you must, but it almost brought tears to my eyes. I never thought I’d see the day a live-action movie like this would be made. I will be in line, somewhere, at midnight May 4.

That’s about all I can think of at the moment. Like I said, I didn’t really watch much of the game. I can tell you that a 9-week-old Chihuahua/Terrier mix named Fumble was the MVP (Most Valuable Puppy) of the Puppy Bowl. As you can guess, he ran the ball better than Tom Brady.

Half Empty: Confessions Of A Pessimist

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