When I was in the first grade, I really wanted to finish all my work in class before everyone else did. I have no idea why I felt this urge or impulse, but it eventually led to my stuffing papers into my desk. Lots of papers. I kept getting notes on the top of my papers I did actually hand in saying “See me” in red ink. After attempting to ignore these notes for a while, I was forced to meet with the teacher, who wanted to know where all my work was. I was absolutely scared to death that I had ruined my life forever. After a meeting between my parents and the teacher, though, I was allowed to make up all the work, and I went on to pass the first grade with flying colors.
I don’t think very many people know that story. If you want to get right down to it, there are probably many, many stories people don’t know about me. Some of them are actually on the shameful or embarrassing side like that one, but several of them are actually fairly nice and even flattering to me. I’ve accomplished things and developed talents many people don’t even know about. Of course, I’ve also fallen horribly on my face more times than I can count, too. I’d like to think I’m a little more interesting than I let on.
If you’ve read this blog before and thought of me as an open person, I’m afraid I have you fooled. Right now, I’m crouched over my keyboard, head close to the monitor of my laptop, attempting to shield what I’m writing from any prying eyes that happen to pass by. My wife is usually surprised by what I have to say any time I have to speak somewhere, because I never share what might come out of my mouth. Most everything you read here is a first draft because I never let anyone read what I’ve written before I post it.
I could go on and on. I can’t stand to have someone stand over my shoulder and watch me do something. I have a drawer full of song lyrics I’ve written that no one’s ever seen. I’m pretty decent at sports, but I hardly ever just join in a game if one happens to break out. I like riding my bicycle, but I prefer to do it alone. And these are just the things that wouldn’t make me blush to tell you. I’m not as squeaky-clean a guy as most people would think.
So, if I’m so secretive, why bring all this up? Well, because it’s just hit me recently how long this has been going on, and it’s bugging me because I don’t exactly know why I’m like this. I have a million-and-one theories, of course. I lack integrity. I have no self-confidence. I’m afraid of what other people think. My depression makes it worse. And, of course, my personal favorite, I’m just freakin’ crazy.
I have no great moral or revelation to share here, other than stating that I’ve realized I have a problem with this. I guess I thought maybe getting it off my chest might help. I also thought maybe someone else might read this and be able to offer me some insight. What causes someone to be this way? What are some ways to alleviate this behavior? Has anyone else ever dealt with this? And if you’re worried about sharing your answer, don’t be concerned. I won’t tell anyone about it anyway. 🙂